What Bridesmaids & Nelson Mandela Have in Common: An Underrated Sign of Great Leadership
I’ll never forget my first shopping escapade as a bridesmaid. It was an early spring day in Montreal, and I was excited to spend the day with four of my oldest friends. The last time the five of us had united on a mission to find a dress had been ten years prior when we went shopping for prom. A decade later, we were just as giddy (and probably looked just as immature).
The first bridal boutique we visited was far more elegant than the prom dress boutiques we’d frequented at seventeen. But the distinction ended there.
Once the shop owner had welcomed us in and ushered the bride into the changing area to select the gowns she wanted to try on, she sat me and the other bridesmaids down in the plush viewing area to lay down some ground rules. Suddenly, I was transported back to my seventeen-year-old self suppressing a smile as a quirky shop owner leaned in and spoke in a hushed voice about “special deals” with a level of seriousness that would make you swear she was selling drugs.
I could tell from the way the bridal boutique owner sat down and leaned toward us that she was about to delight us with an equally amusing candour. And while she did speak dead seriously about her ground rules — one of which was no photos or FaceTiming which kicked off a minor argument given there was a bridesmaid in the UK at the time — she surprised me with a profound lesson I’ve carried with me ever since.
The shop owner told all of us in attendance to not react to a dress until the bride had. That way we wouldn’t influence her first impressions.
The older and more experienced I’ve become, the more I think of that lesson, and how broadly it applies to life. I’ve realized as a leader, one of the most underrated signs of competence is the ability to speak last. It’s easy to default to starting meetings with what you think, but I find discussions more fruitful when you give others a chance to explore their first impressions wholeheartedly. As it turns out, Nelson Mandela agrees.
Nelson Mandela
There are a lot of great leaders in the world, but few — if any — are as renowned as Nelson Mandela. His dedication to ending apartheid in South Africa, his advocacy for reconciliation, and his embodiment of ethical leadership principles have had a global impact, inspiring people around the world to fight for justice and equality.
“Nelson Mandela is a particularly special case study in the leadership world because he is universally regarded as a great leader.”
— Simon Sinek
Simon Sinek is no leadership slouch himself. In fact, he’s a world–renowned author and inspirational speaker on business leadership. He describes himself as an “unshakeable optimist,” and is best known for his books ‘Start with WHY’ and ‘The Infinite Game’ which help leaders and organizations inspire others.
Thanks to a tip from someone on Twitter based on the bridesmaid anecdote I shared earlier, I came across this short two-minute video of Sinek explaining how Mandela leveraged “the power of speaking last” throughout his life:
Here’s a partial video transcript if you want to skip the video but still get the gist:
“[Mandela] was actually the son of a tribal chief and he was asked one day, “How did you learn to be a great leader?” He responded that he would go with his father to tribal meetings and he remembers two things when his father would meet with other elders: 1) they would always sit in a circle, and 2) his father was always the last to speak.
You will be told your whole life that you need to learn to listen. I would say that you need to learn to be the last to speak. I see it in boardrooms every day of the week, even people who consider themselves good leaders — who may actually be decent leaders — will walk into a room and say, “Here’s the problem, here’s what I think, but I’m interested in your opinion, let’s go around the room.”
It’s too late.”
Sinek, true to his ‘Start with WHY’ philosophy, offers two incentives to speak last:
- You’ll make everyone feel that they’ve been heard and have contributed
- You’ll benefit from hearing what everyone else really thinks
According to Sinek, “The skill is really to keep your opinions to yourself.” That means whether you agree or disagree with what people share, you must refrain from nodding, frowning, shaking your head, or committing any other “faux pas” that would compromise your “resting pleasant face.”
Resting Pleasant Face
One of the most surprising pieces of feedback I’ve gotten in the past couple of years since remote work became mainstream was that I embody remarkable “resting pleasant face” — which is basically the opposite of “resting bitch face.”
One of the serial entrepreneurs I worked with had me dying laughing when he explained he was trying to channel my composure during Zoom calls because he was prone to frowning while listening intently. That combined with his status made him intimidating. And knowing full well that the consequence of that was people being timid to share their thoughts and opinions — despite how open he was to them — he was determined to stop “looking angry” on Zoom. Hence his resting pleasant face objective.
I think about that conversation a lot because since then, I’ve noticed a lot of people contort their faces while listening to others and collecting their thoughts. And that’s a huge kneecap as a leader. Because as the entrepreneur I worked with pointed out, it makes you seem close-minded and unapproachable even when you aren’t.
The Exception to The Rule
Speaking last and withholding thoughts and opinions until your turn doesn’t mean you can’t speak at all before then. What you can do is ask clarifying questions to dig deeper into what someone means and “why they have the opinion they have.”
But like a courtroom judge, you have to remain neutral as each party makes their case. Then at the end, you’ll get your turn to weigh in. You can restate what you’ve heard, share your input, and make your ruling.
But Sinek warns that while it sounds easy, it’s not. Therefore, “Practice being the last to speak.”
When I think back to sitting in the plush viewing area of the bridal shop six years ago, I remember all of us nodding in agreement as the shop owner instructed us to “let the bride react first.” But judging by the chorus of “oohs” and “aahs” that erupted from me and my fellow bridesmaids all of five minutes later, when the bride emerged from the changing room in the first gown, I concur that “keeping your opinions to yourself” is harder than it sounds — initially. But like every skill, it gets easier with practice. The last six years have been proof of that.
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